003

Don't you understand; when you question why I tell you some things, it makes me want to tell you less of others?! I know I sometimes have what I have heard referred to as diarrhea of the mouth; that doesn't mean that what I have to say is less valuable ... besides, I have gotten better. I don't speak about things as much as I used to. Now ... that isn't your fault. I have been more tired, more busy, more distracted, more whatever; the result is that I simply have spoken less at home than when we first were married.

Perhaps that is the fault to which I could apply the current scenario. I don't speak as often and the result is that when I do speak on things, it is almost a shock to the system. Is that it?

Perhaps you don't realize what is occurring? Your love language is touch and mine is quality time. I wonder if this makes me hypersensitive to your responses to my speech. That would certainly explain why I seem to be emotionally over-responsive to some things and non-responsive to others.

Regardless of what your intent is, I certainly can lay claim to not being consistently responsible in the execution of my duties as a human being; I've let my emotional response to our discussions guide some of my attitudes - and really, I should be talking to God and removing offense instead of stewing.

But sometimes, simply writing (or typing) out perceived problems helps me see what is really important. It also helps me appreciate choices I've made.

I'm so blessed to know that God is real. And that He hasn't given up on me; Lord knows I'd have given up on me millions of times.

002

Nobody cares about your petty little miserable experiences.
They don't care about your anger, your hatreds, your losses, your frustrations.

No, they care about you.

So who are you?

Are you the sum total of your various emotional states?

Am I?

It has become apparent to me that most of the instances where sin enters my life (which is a PC way of saying I messed up in some way), seem to be caused by immaturity.

What does immaturity look like?
If you have a four year old and they are visibly rebellious, not eating food, or being loud, or simply not acting in a particularly polite manner, you might think of them as having some sort of "temper tantrum".
If you have a seventeen year old, a twenty two year old, a fifty year old who doesn't eat food, is arbitrarily loud, or is impolite, you wouldn't call it a temper tantrum. Perhaps you would excuse it because you knew they were tired. Or hard of hearing. Or old. Or retarded. Or whatever.
Regardless, there are only three reasons that I'm aware of that anyone, regardless of age, acts in this manner.
First, medical/physiological make up. Some people are not whole. Why they are not whole is a whole discussion by itself, but they are missing something. Sometimes it is a part of the brain, sometimes it is a chemical imbalance, and sometimes it is weird.
Second, spiritual influence. Some people are beset by demons. Demons are real and directly influence many, many people; arguably they can influence even Christians. I believe this to be possible because, although demons and Jesus are definitively mutually exclusive, if a person doesn't knock, the door doesn't always open. Likewise, much like Pharoah and the frogs, God sometimes gives us what we ask for. And some people ask for an extra night/week/whatever by not asking for God to intervene. Which is why prayer is so, so, so, so important. And one of the reasons I believe God calls us to pray without ceasing.
Third, personal choices. Some people are simply lazy. Or lack discipline. Or are rude. Whatever words you'd like to use, these people aren't messed up and they are not under spiritual attack - they simply aren't acting out of love, charity, or respect.

Now I'm not even going to say I can discern which is which when it shows up. If I can lay claim to any giftings, none of them are discernment definitively of any of these. But I can state, with fair authority, that I'm not always the nicest guy. And I think a lot of it has to do with me being in the third category more than I'd like. Sometimes I'm sarcastic, or cutting, or manipulative, or arrogant, or lazy, or slovenly/apathetic, or whatever. And, with rare exception, it's simply a grown up version of a temper tantrum.

I don't like it, and I truly dislike having to deal with the consequences of having temper tantrums - but they are real and I am slowly, slowly trying to not have them. I can't do it myself though; it will take daily dedication, and I believe God will be involved.


I suppose, going back to the earlier question of "who am I" we'd have to address exactly what question we're asking. Are we asking "who have we been since some particular time frame"? Are we asking "who do we think we truly are?" Are we asking "given this and this and this, what kind of a person who make these choices"? Or are we simply saying "What seven attributes or adjectives can I discover which best categorize my understanding of my personal paradigm?"


I will close with a slightly different take on "who am I". The Bible talks about being particular about the company you keep; this includes who you eat with, who you marry, who you trust, from whom you charge interest, and various other applications. And in this vein, I propose a particularly interesting take on the question "who am I". I believe, in some fundamental way, you are the people who know you. Clearly this isn't a coherent definition as much of your character will never be revealed without JUST the right set of scenarios. Also I'm hedging my bet by not defining "know you." But if you allow for the loose definition, it may startle you to recognize that most of the people who learn of you, and get to know you, will do so through the perception of others of YOU. In fact, this is the basis for a security clearance, the purpose of which might be simply defined as "that process by which an organization identifies whether you are worthy of their trust." And what do they use to determine it? The opinions of others.

001

It happened again. I blew up. Why?

It's not as if I stopped trying.
It's not as if there were moments within that I didn't notice had promise.
But ... have I only ever spoken thoughts to hear myself think?
Have I only ever engaged in discussion to wait my turn to speak?

Why can't I change?
Why can't I want to change?

It has been said there is no new thing under the sun.
I continue learning about many things; this phrase is one of them.
I believe this might be better written:
"... There is no new problem, sin, or pride under the sun."


The upside of a web-journal is convenience of storage.
The downside of a web-journal is convenience of access.
Is privacy truly dead?


I just ... I want to appreciate what I have.
I want to wake up loathe to go to work because I'll be away from my family.
I want to wake up excited about going to work because I'm providing for them.
And I want to wake up genuinely excited about going to work because of the work.

In short, I want to want the dance.
And I keep forgetting to show up for the rehearsal.
And so the dance is much harder than it should be.

I need God.

Don't we all.