003

Don't you understand; when you question why I tell you some things, it makes me want to tell you less of others?! I know I sometimes have what I have heard referred to as diarrhea of the mouth; that doesn't mean that what I have to say is less valuable ... besides, I have gotten better. I don't speak about things as much as I used to. Now ... that isn't your fault. I have been more tired, more busy, more distracted, more whatever; the result is that I simply have spoken less at home than when we first were married.

Perhaps that is the fault to which I could apply the current scenario. I don't speak as often and the result is that when I do speak on things, it is almost a shock to the system. Is that it?

Perhaps you don't realize what is occurring? Your love language is touch and mine is quality time. I wonder if this makes me hypersensitive to your responses to my speech. That would certainly explain why I seem to be emotionally over-responsive to some things and non-responsive to others.

Regardless of what your intent is, I certainly can lay claim to not being consistently responsible in the execution of my duties as a human being; I've let my emotional response to our discussions guide some of my attitudes - and really, I should be talking to God and removing offense instead of stewing.

But sometimes, simply writing (or typing) out perceived problems helps me see what is really important. It also helps me appreciate choices I've made.

I'm so blessed to know that God is real. And that He hasn't given up on me; Lord knows I'd have given up on me millions of times.

001

It happened again. I blew up. Why?

It's not as if I stopped trying.
It's not as if there were moments within that I didn't notice had promise.
But ... have I only ever spoken thoughts to hear myself think?
Have I only ever engaged in discussion to wait my turn to speak?

Why can't I change?
Why can't I want to change?

It has been said there is no new thing under the sun.
I continue learning about many things; this phrase is one of them.
I believe this might be better written:
"... There is no new problem, sin, or pride under the sun."


The upside of a web-journal is convenience of storage.
The downside of a web-journal is convenience of access.
Is privacy truly dead?


I just ... I want to appreciate what I have.
I want to wake up loathe to go to work because I'll be away from my family.
I want to wake up excited about going to work because I'm providing for them.
And I want to wake up genuinely excited about going to work because of the work.

In short, I want to want the dance.
And I keep forgetting to show up for the rehearsal.
And so the dance is much harder than it should be.

I need God.

Don't we all.